She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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