can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Randomize
