Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
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