I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
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