Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
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