If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Randomize
