I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
