i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
