she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
