I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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