i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Randomize
