If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
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