Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
