Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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