I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
