Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
