i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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