aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
