Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
Randomize
