you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
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