So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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