I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Randomize
