oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Randomize
