Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
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