i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
i think i have two assholes
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
