I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Randomize
