Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Randomize
