no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
