I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
