Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
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