I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
