How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
