You smell like stripper and shame
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
