dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Randomize
