I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
What happened to fro yo and sex?
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