we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
