I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Randomize
