First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
