just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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