you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Randomize
