U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Randomize
