sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
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