im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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