Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
