I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
