People in love make me want to vomit
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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