yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
