He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
I accidentally had phone sex last night
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Randomize
