Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
