I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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